Short Stories

   On the odd occasion, I find myself reminiscing and put some of my memories down in words.

 Sometimes I may flower it up a little as some writers tend to do, but mainly it is all from my experiences in life.

Tykes

"Yes,” said grandad, peering down into the pram, "this ones' going to be a right little Tyke", he then turned on his heel and went into the house.

Rose watched him go, as the tears welled in her eyes, "I hate that old so and so", she rasped at dad. “The first time he clapped eyes on his new grandson"," and he calls him, a little Tyke",   "that’s the last time I’ll bring a child of mine to see your father", "I'm not stopping here, Vic, take me home, right now"! She cried.

That was the last they saw of grandad and little did they know, his final statement to them, would turn out to be absolutely correct, for that innocent little babe in arms, would indeed, turn out to be a right little Tyke! But in the nicer sense of the word.

Startled by the cat coming into the room, Rose came sharply out of her daydream about grandad, then sinking back into thought. “1951 now, that was nearly five years ago”, how quickly the time had passed, she once again glanced down the hallway, to see if Kevin was safe, he usually sat on the doorstep just watching the world go by while waiting for his breakfast.

There was a sudden piercing shriek!  “Mum, Mum” there was urgency in his screams; “Mum, Mum” came the cry again, this time a little fainter. She crashed her way past the door, running down the hallway, frantically looking right and left as she bounded out onto the steps, “Stop!” she cried as she saw Kevin being dragged off around the corner, she ran after them as fast as her legs would carry her.

Kevin was now being pushed toward the ‘vandalised’ flower bed, Lady Bonham-Carter was now screaming at him “how could you, you little, Brute! You’ve destroyed them all; she grabbed Kevin by the hair and pushed his head toward the railings.

His head was suddenly released, rubbing his head he gazed up to see two figures who seemed to be above him in the sky as they stood screaming at one and other.  Regaining his focus, he saw it was mum, she had caught up with them, and gone straight into action, she’d slapped wildly at Bonham-Carter, ‘good old mum’ he thought, there was suddenly a third figure, much bigger, keeping the two women apart.

“What the on earth is going on”, barked the Policeman, “calm down, both of you”.   “Look what he’s done, he’s destroyed my lovely flowers” cried Bonham-Carter; “my son has not been out of my sight all morning” retorted Rose “He couldn’t have done it; this women just grabbed him from my step and dragged him here”!

The Constable took his notebook from his breast pocket, this gesture brought worry to the face of both women, for Lady Bonham-Carter had her standing in Politics to consider, and Rose had just launched an attack on a popular Member of Parliament and friend of Churchill himself!

“Did you actually see him do it, your Ladyship”, said the Constable, “Well, er not actually, but it couldn’t’ have been anyone else. There are no other children around this morning”, replied Bonham-Carter, regaining her composure and looking worried, 

for it now dawned on her, what the papers could make of this.  “It could have been a Cat,” said Rose angrily, “My boy hasn’t’ been out of my sight for more than half a minute”.

“Madam there has obviously been a mistake, if I were you, I’d take the boy and get off home, do you realise you have struck a Member of Parliament”, “and your Ladyship, it would be best if you go inside and consider the consequences of this”.

Enjoying the new found power of cautioning an MP, he continued “I think this would be best stopped here and now Ma’am, I’ll consider the matter closed, if you just go about your business”.  

 “Yes your quite right constable, I apologise, madam, is your little boy all right?” , “Thanks to you, he’s a bit shaken up” said Rose, becoming angry again. “  

 I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt” said Bonham-Carter “I sincerely apologise Madam, you live at number six around the corner, don’t you?”  “Yes,” said Rose, surprised that Bonham-Carter knew her; after all it was ages since they’d last seen her, as she often walked through Somers Crescent when in London.

Rose grabbed Kevin’s arm and strode off, while half running, half being dragged, Kevin didn’t realize then that he had been assaulted by one of the most powerful women in the land, though when he learned the details of it later, he decided to have his revenge.

Paddington in the early 50’s was a great place to live, there was so much to do and the people were from all walks of life. There were still members of the aristocracy living just a stone throw from a halfway house, which housed many poor and workless families. There were actors, Politicians, Musicians, Prostitutes, Gangsters, petty crooks and hardworking family men. The mixture of people was quite amazing. They never bothered one another, except for the odd isolated incident usually caused by drunkenness or kids.

Vic; Kevin’s’ dad, rented the ground floor of a five story Victorian house, in Somers’ crescent. The best room was the front lounge it was well furnished and clean, the furniture was sumptuous and chunky, as was the fashion in those days. There were two large front windows, with splendid damask curtains hanging and caught in halfway down with cord, the rug was thick, and rolled out directly onto the floorboards; there were few houses with wall to wall carpet in the 50’s.

The remaining rooms were sparsely furnished or decorated, but all were clean and tidy, all the rooms had coal fires with large fireplaces and mantle shelves.

The rest of the house was amazing; Kev and his brother ‘Mick’ could play ‘Hide and seek’ for hours, without being found.   Mrs DuPrez lived on the first floor and mezzanine; she was a bit of a ‘Toff,’ but a nice old lady, who always had time for the kids. On the second floor were Mr. and Mrs. Henderson, Mrs. Henderson was an Actress and Mr. Henderson was a Clerical Worker, they kept themselves to themselves.

Mr. Curtis, lived on the top two floors, he was a tall good looking Bachelor and successful Salesman who sold KP Peanuts around London, he was about to move to the country, and we were, going to move upstairs to his place.

  In the Basement flat were Bob and Molly Millborough, who had just been ‘Blessed with a Daughter ‘Bernadette’. Bob worked with Vic, they were in the Marines together during the war and now they were Plumbers, doing work throughout the area, they would often be seen pushing a large barrow along with plumbing materials and their tools on it. Many of the tools would end up behind the Bar at the Royal Marine Club in Talbot Square, the tools were held to secure a loan on their last drinking session and would be redeemed before their next.

 All of the people of Paddington were a happy go Lucky bunch, still enjoying their recent freedom from the War. They all seemed happy with one another and ‘got on’ fairly well.

There were loads of great ‘bomb sites’ to play in, there was a good one opposite Kevin's house, the back of Lady Bonham-Carter's house could be seen from there. 

 Hyde Park was only a ten minute walk away, the underground wasn’t’ very far either.

  You could walk to Edgware road, where there were three or four good ‘Picture Houses’ or Cinema’s, and plenty of shops, there was always something to do in Paddington.

“What are you doing today Mick” said young Kev,  “Bob a job” replied Mick, “but its not bob a job week” said Kev “its, “The Yanks don’t know that, do they” growled Mick with a look of aloofness on his face, “You goin up Park West, Bruv”?  “Yeah” replied Mick coolly, “Comin”.

“I’m not old enough for ‘Bob a Job’, I’m not a Scout yet”, said Kev innocently, “Just bring your Cubs hat, they won’t know”.

“I’ll put me Scarf and Woggle on as well” said Kev, “Good Idea, so will I” replied Mick. Once they’d prepared themselves, armed with pencil and a small notebook, they set off for Park West, where the rich Americans lived.

“Bob a Job for the boy scouts Ma’am” said Mick to the nice looking American Lady, who answered their knock at the door, “Oh! What does that mean “? Replied the lovely lady, “Well, you give us a little job to do, then pay us a few Bob” said Mick, “what’s a bob” she replied “Its a Shilling!” Said Kev excitedly“, “there are twenty in every Pound,” said Kev proudly “I’m good at Sums”.

 “Oh you cute little thing” she exclaimed “of course I’ll give you a Job, but only because its for the boy scouts, come in.” they entered the huge, Park West Apartment, their eyes wide in awe of the Luxury and shear size of the rooms. 

“Look” whispered Kev to Mick as they entered the enormous kitchen; “she’s got one of those Fridge things you see in the films”. “Yeah” Mick replied silently “and she’s got a Hoover, she must be rolling in doe”.

“There” said the lovely American Lady, “You can polish these silver Cups, be careful though, they are my husbands Trophies, give them a good polish and I’ll get you some milk and cookies!” Mick and Kev glanced at one and other “Blimey! Mick, she’s goin to feed us as well” said Kev.

 They carefully polished the Trophies; the Lady was singing ‘La Da Da’ whilst doing something in the Kitchen, she was obviously very happy to have the company of these two scruffy little street kids.

“Tell me” she said, whilst placing an enormous plate of Cookies on the table, “will you be in the area on Christmas eve around six”. “Yeah?“ replied Mick “On Christmas Eve we’re allowed to go out Carol Singing”. “Perfect” said the Beautiful Lady, “We have some visitors coming from America, we’ll be having Cocktails about then, will you come and sing some Carols for us?” “OK” said Mick “We’ll bring a couple of others, we’ll be nice and clean” he said knowing there would be a few ‘bob’ in it.

“Oh no” she said, “come exactly as you are now” (she wanted to give the atmosphere of poor little urchin’s off the street) but by all means bring a couple of friends” 

  They quickly finished their milk and biscuits,  “We’ll have to go now” said Mick “that’s two bob, for cleaning the Silver” he said while giving Kev a sly wink “no Mick” whispered Kev “Its too much, she wont ask us back”; “Sssh, hush” replied Mick quietly. 

  “Only two”? She replied, returning whilst browsing through her open purse. “Here’s ten, now be sure to return around six on Christmas eve, I’m June Chandler".

"My Butler Mr. Kemp will look after you when you arrive and he’ll tell you what to do”, “ok” said Mick, noting their names in his book, “Ta very much” said Kev excitedly, looking wide eyed at the ten Bob note she’d handed to Mick.

 “When you come on Christmas eve, if you sing at least three Carol’s to my guests, you’ll be given five pounds each“. “OK” croaked Mick, the colour leaving his face, while still trying to act calm. “Bye then, see you later,” they said in unison, whilst being let out of the door.

“We’re Rich!” cried Mick “What a result” he said, Kev just looking at him stupidly not quite believing what she’d said. “ Five quid each!” shouted Mick, we’ll be able to buy a Guitar and start a ‘Skiffle’ Group “Look out Lonnie Donegan, here we come” cried Mick.

 Kev still looking at him stupidly said, “Did she really say five quid each?”

“Yeah Bruv, honest t’god, five quid each!”

  “Blimey” said Kev “Mum will never let us keep it”, “Dont you tell her” Mick threateningly hissed through his teeth. 

  “I wont” Kev quickly replied, as they ran off home to tell their friends.

   “who we gonna bring?” enquired Kev “Soxie and Linda” said Mick, “but Linda’s too posh” retorted Kev “yeah” said Mick “We’ll have to make her look scruffy”.

  Linda was in her usual place, chucking notes out of the window to any passing boy and would then carry out a sort of sign language conversation with them.

  She usually tried to tantalise them to see what reaction she’d get, like sticking her forefinger in her mouth and slowly sucking it back and forth or holding her nubile undeveloped breasts and rotate her hands slowly.

  Sometimes a small crowd of boys gathered to watch, unaware this was a tease as her father was an angry man and would chase them off as soon as she shouted “Daddy there are nasty boys in the street making fun of me”.

  Mick and Kev were different, they knew her antics, and Mick quietly called “Stop pratting around Linda, were going Carol Singing, you comin out or what”?

She agreed immediately, it would be quite an adventure for her. She managed to slip out for practice without her parents noticing.

Then they all went to get ‘Soxie’, who was loitering idly by the ‘Lamp Post’ over by the ‘Bombsite’ opposite their houses.

Soxie was about ten years old, always scruffy looking, even when he had new clothes his mum could only afford one thing at a time, he didn’t care anyway.

He didn’t speak much, but he was a great singer and oh! what a footballer, everyone wanted him ‘on their side’.

He had a mass of red hair, which just protruded from his head in no particular style and always had one sock pulled up and the other down and he always had a Catapult, in his back pocket.

Soxie had got permission to go Carol Singing with Mick and Kev on Christmas eve; so they decided to rehearse immediately as there was only two days to go.

They went their ‘Hideout’ in the Basement of an empty house to select and practice a few Carols; they had to lend Linda some old clothes to change into as her parents would never let her be seen in scruffy clothes, even indoors 

‘Silent Night’ was a ‘must’ they all knew it as they sang it regularly at school,  then there was ‘Good King Wenceslas’ though Kev only knew the dirty words, “yuck that’s disgusting” cried Linda, and proceeded to correct him in a lady-like manner.

 Next they chose ‘Away in a Manger’ which they all sang very sweetly, as it was everyone’s favourite Carol. 

 Finally they decided to finish with the first verse of ‘Jingle Bells’ they added this to give value for money, after all they were to be paid a ‘fiver’ each.

Satisfied with their rehearsal and ‘street urchin’ like appearance, they were ready for their ‘appearance’ at Park West.

Mr Kemp seemed to scrutinise them, lowering his eyes, with head up, looking down the line of his huge hooked nose with a look of total disgust on his face, “come in” he said in a reluctant manner.

He directed them to a fair sized room full of books, with an enormous ‘polished’ Desk in the centre, the curtains were drawn and just a single lamp on the desk lit the room, it was quite dim and eerie there.

“Now wait here and don’t touch anything” said Mr Kemp, leaving them in the room, he closed the door carefully and quietly on his way out.

After a slight pause, Linda exclaimed “I’m not stopping here, he’s weird”; “I know him from somewhere” said Mick in a thoughtful manner, “never mind Linda, it’ll be over soon and we’ll be a fiver richer” said Soxie.

Kev remained silent, in awe of the room and its contents, in the dim light he’d been looking at the titles on the books, many of them he didn’t understand, but among them he saw, ‘Kidnapped’; ‘Treasure Island’; ‘Robinson Crusoe’ and ‘Huckleberry Finn’.

Looking around the room in wonderment Kevin’s’ gaze came to a massive oil painting on the wall, there was a pool of light surrounding it from a small lamp above.

The painting depicted a coastal seascape with large sailing vessels heading inland; he was captivated by the scene and was studying every detail, the Ships, the sails, their rig, the sea  and its intermittent reflections, the buoys, the low sun and its long shadows.

“Are you ready?” enquired Mr Kemp as he sharply opened the door.

Looking timidly at one and other, they all silently agreed by nodding their heads.

“Then follow me” he said, leaving the door for them and walking off down the corridor.

 “The Children” he announced while ushering them into the centre of the large brightly lit room.

 They walked in in awe of the room, the bright chandeliers, the Huge decorated Christmas tree near the window.

 There were about twenty well dressed people, all holding drinks and gazing quietly at the children as they entered the room.

 After what seemed an age of awkward silence, Mrs Chandler came forward saying “what will you start with”.

“Silent Night” Mick quickly exclaimed. “ Good, off you go” Mrs Chandler replied.

 As practiced Mick stepped forward and in his sweetest childlike voice, began to sing. “Silent night, holy night, All is calm, all is bright. Round yon Virgin Mother and Child.Holy Infant so tender and mild, Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace”.

They all joined in for the second verse and sang very sweetly indeed, even surprising one and other. It was the sense of occasion and performance that inspired their sweet voices.

Continuing to sing “Christ the Saviour is Born”, teers began rolling down the cheeks of the people intently listening and struck dumb, by the sweet sight before them.

The applause was rapturous! There wasn’t a dry eye in the room as the Children completed their final carol, “Oh, what fun it is to ride, in a one horse open sleigh”.

They proudly beamed at one and other, they'd done it! And did it with real sincerity and ability, where it came from they didn’t know,

it all just fell into place.

 Several people rushed forward thrusting money into their hands, and finally, Mrs Chandler thanked them all for their wonderful Carols. 

She then asked Mr Kemp to take them into the Kitchen, give them any food and soft drinks they wanted. He was also to pay them five pounds each and see to it they got home safely.

 Back at the hideout, Mick cried “What a brahma”, after they evenly shared the proceeds of the evening, with the extra money thrust on them, they had come away with eleven pound seven and six each!

“Don't tell the parents”, Mick hissed at everyone, “They'll take it off us and make us buy clothes”, “I'm not buyin clothes” replied Soxie,

“ I'll hide mine well away”, “I'm gonna get a nice fishin rod later”.

 They all agreed to hide their earning individually and use it for whatever they wished.

 The remainder of Christmas and winter that year was filled with fun for all of them, as they kept their secrets and only told one and other of how they were spending their hard earned cash. Winter faded into spring and spring into Summer and eventually 'Summer Holiday' and freedom! from school.

Come on, Kev” said Mick, “Lets go and have a swim in the Serps”, the serpentine was the central lake in Hyde park, fed from the underground river marylebone, “OK Bruv, where’s’ me Cossie” replied Kev, “ They’re still on the line outside, I’ll get em.”  Mick happily ran out to the yard the fetch the swimming costumes, while Kev thought nervously about the ‘Serps’ “I hope he doesn’t want to try for the ‘other side’, a couple of kids had drowned a few years back, attempting to swim ‘clear’ across the Serpentine.

“What part are we going?” said Kev, trying not to sound nervous as Mick reappeared at the door. “Down the Lido, we’ll bunk in, over the fence” said Mick cheerfully, Kev was relieved, the Lido was the ‘Official’ swimming area and there were Diving boards, a cafeteria and loads of older girls, lying out in the sun, trying to look like ”Jane Russell” only younger.

Mick and Kev skipped happily along the road, toward Hyde Park, with their arms interlaced over each other’s shoulder. Kev had grown to love Mick as a brother, though in the earlier years Mick had been somewhat of a bully to Kev, just a bit of jealousy over the baby years, when Kev got all the attention, and Mick couldn’t seem to do anything right, but he too had grown to love his brother, as they grew older and had more and more fun together.

Mick was the toughest of the pair in those days; after all he was a worldly twelve-year-old, he’d, ‘had’ a girl in the Bombsite over the road. Vivienne was fourteen and made no secret of the fact, that she was ready and willing to introduce us youngsters to sex. Kev had never had the opportunity, anyway he only wanted to look, to see what a ‘Fanny’ looked like; at the age of nine, he hadn’t’ found a sexual interest in girls, though he was beginning to wonder.

They arrived at the gate near the fountains, the ‘Parkies’ hut was just inside the gate, and Mick picked up a stone and threw it at the side of the hut, as usual, “Parkies not in “said Mick,” We’ll have to keep an ‘eye out’ for him at the Lido”.

“Let’s go and have a climb on the statue first” said Kev “We might see him from there”, “no we’ll risk it” replied Mick, “we’ll have a climb on the way back”.

There were some great statues in Hyde park, Mick and Kev had no idea of their historical significance, as far as they were concerned, they were simply put there for the kids to climb on, though the Parkie disagreed venomously.

As they past the Peter Pan statue they paused to caress the rabbits and fairies on it, they would never climb this statue, it had real meaning to them, after all this was ‘Peter Pan’, they then continued down the path on the short walk to the Lido.

It was a glorious summer’s day! There were hundreds of people in the Lido, the sounds were delightful to Kev, the birds were singing happily and there were all sorts of delighted shrieks of children having fun jumping off of the ‘Boards’, the happy scene raised his spirits.

Looking out for the Parkie, they chucked their towels and cossies over the fence, climbed the iron bars and jumped over, they changed into their cossies, then mingled with the crowd around the Serps. Mick wanted to wander around looking at the girls for a while in order to find a suitable ‘Place’ among them. They came to a dead stop! both were over-awed at the sight before them. 

There on the grass were two of the most beautiful women they had ever seen. They were wearing the new bathing suits with the middle cut out, their bellies were completely bare, Kev gazed over them, they had wonderful figures and both had more than ample breasts, these were real women.

Kev felt awkward and slightly frightened and embarrassed, Mick was doing his best to look mature and tough.

“Come on boys, sit down, we wont eat you” said one of the girls; they must be at least fifteen, Kev thought to himself, as he began to panic at the offer to join them.   “OK” said Mick as he sat down, beside the dark haired one, still doing his best to look tough. “ You sit here, Luv,” said the beautiful blonde, tapping the ground beside her; Kev gave Mick a hopeless look, he was unfamiliar with girls, he was starting to feel strange, Mick returned an angry glance and nodded at the ground, the blonde was tapping.

Kev reluctantly understood the silent order from Mick and sat down beside the Blonde, not quite understanding the strange feeling, coming over him, everything now seemed to be in a haze, he didn’t know what to say or do. “Whats your” name said the Blonde, “ mine’s Helen”, Kev didn’t answer, still feeling awkward, “ Quiet little lad, aren’t you” she said, reaching out to touch his hair”, “Kev” he blurted out awkwardly, desperately trying to regain his composure.

“You’re a little cutie” said Helen “ Ive always wanted a little brother just like you” she said, “ why are you so frightened of me, I’m only being friendly”. “Dont know,” said Kev sheepishly; looking hopelessly around him.

His eyes came to rest on some teenage boys, who were pointing at them and laughing aloud, they were a bit older than Mick and they were doing their best to imitate ‘Teddy Boys’ or ‘Spivs’ as they were sometimes known.

 “Those boys over there, are beginning to bother us, but you’ll look after us, wont you”, said Helen, nodding toward four tough looking ‘Spivs’, who were, watching and laughing at us, Christ! thought Kev, they’re big boys, and four of em!, they’ll kill us.

 “Yeah” said Mick, wondering how the word came out, and regretting what he’d said.

The Spivs gave them, a threatening ‘point’, and the ‘Evil Eye’, then walked away; Kev breathed a sigh of relief, “There they go, I knew you’d frighten them off, Kev”, “your a real man”, he couldn’t’ believe, what had happened, the Spivs had gone and this beautiful woman was admiring him. His confidence seemed to rise from nowhere, “they wouldn’t have touched you, with me and Mick around”, replied Kev.

 Helen, smiled and touched his hair again, little did Kevin know, that the Spivs were, one of Helens brothers and his friends, poking fun at the girls, and they had merely invited, Mick and Kev, to join them, in contempt of her brother and his gloating friends.

But Helen was growing to like this cute little boy who sat beside her, he too had fair hair, bleached golden blonde by the sun, he had beautiful blue eyes with a hint of mischief in them, he was small but evenly proportioned. She knew she had made him nervous, he deserved a small reward, she thought, so she continued to chat, Kev became more confident and talkative as the time past.

It was time for his reward, thought Helen, “would you put some sun lotion on my back”? She asked, and rolled onto her front, the sight was amazing to Kev, his eyes wandering over all of her, noticing her breasts pressed against the ground, and swelling as she breathed. 

He reached across her for the Sun lotion, at that point she raised herself to her elbows and once again turned over, causing her body to brush with his chest. he was off balance and fell against her as she turned, her breasts coming into full contact with his chest, oh! what a delight! For a fleeting moment, he’d felt her soft breasts and nipples, giving slightly under his weight,  “you naughty boy” she said with an impish grin, “you’ll be a bit of a Lad when you get older”. Kev leaped away feeling both embarrassed and excited.

“Sorry” he said “ I was trying to get the Sun Lotion”, “never mind that now”, 

she said, “ I’ll tan my front for a little while”. Laying back on her elbows and lifting her chin to the sun, closing her eyes, knowing full well, that Kev, for the first time in his life, was taking full advantage of this magnificent view.

 His eyes followed the beautiful lines of her body, from her breasts splendidly jutting toward the sun, down the wonderful curves to her flat bare tummy. Then his eyes stopped to rest on the sight of the ‘V’ between her thighs, there was a tiny dimple in the ‘V’ of her costume, and ‘this was it'! he could make out the line of her Venus!

, Mick had told him about the Venus, he imagined the wondrous thing, under that thin costume, the sight of her was becoming to much for his young mind, he looked away trembling with this new found sensation.

She suddenly rose to her feet; he was now looking at her beautiful slender legs, his gaze rising once more to that wonderful body. “Well Kevin, we’ve got to get back home for Tea” she stood there, proudly knowing the sight of her body, had given this little lad, the thrill of his young life.  “We’ll see you here, some other time,” she said, thinking 'he’d had his just reward', for protecting her from her brothers insult.

“See ya,” said Kev, as the girls walked away, falsely swinging their beautiful hips,  “Did you see that”!  exclaimed Mick, who had been treated to a similar experience,   “Did I ever” said Kev.   “ Lets do the Serps!” Mick shouted excitedly,  “yeah” cried Kev, forgetting his fear, they ran out onto the boards, dived into the water, and both struck out strongly for the other side.

The swim took twenty minutes, they both sat on the other bank, both exhausted and elated, ‘they’d done the Serps’! oh what a day, regaining thier strength they ran back to the Lido across the Bridge, changed back into their  clothes and skipped off arm in arm, through the park, excitedly chatting about the afternoon’s experience, no longer bothering to climb the Statues, this was a day they’d remember for the rest of their lives. 

To be continued..........

***************

Festering Fred

Festering Fred


He Peered out momentarily from behind the drill shed, “ all quiet now,” he thought. Glancing down at his watch again, “2130, I could have been down the Point, enjoying myself with the lads,” his mind wandering over all the previous fun they’d had in Torpoint.
Something caught his eye, he looked toward the movement; it was just the gate patrol finishing his hourly ‘rounds’. “All clear now,” he noted. Looking around the deserted parade ground, he could see the huts beyond, as well as the Burma road leading up to the main gate.
  “I’ll have to be careful I’m not seen in this light,” thinking there was no lighting around the parade ground but there was a fair amount of moonlight.
He concentrated his gaze to find the white spot about the size of a tennis ball, painted on the tarmac, midway between the Captains Rostrum and the left side of the parade ground. “Yes, there it is,” he looked around once more to be sure it was all clear, then cautiously started toward the spot.
 The Spot was the marker on the Parade Ground where the Chief Gunnery Instructor would stand during a Ceremonial Parade, the ‘Parade GI’ as he was commonly known, was the man responsible for the drill training of new recruits.
Creeping on toward the spot, our Hero thought “I’ll really be for the high jump if I’m caught now”, for the spot he planned to desecrate was virtually sacred ground to the ‘Parade GI’.
 He thought again of the joy it would bring to all the other retched young Sailors in training, who trembled at the thought of being noticed by ‘Festering Fred’, as the recruits had nicknamed him.
Upon reaching the spot, he took another look around to ensure he’d not been seen. “All clear,” he thought as he began unbuckling his belt, he then lowered his trousers and squatted over the spot and began the business that was aimed at making Festering Fred the laughing stock of HMS Raleigh.
Business being completed, He took the lolly sticks he had brought with him and adjusted the position of the enormous ‘turd’ he had just deposited on Festering Fred’s’ hallowed ground.
 He positioned it perfectly ‘bolt upright’ on the spot, he then placed on top the little cap he had made earlier it was almost identical to that worn by festering Fred.
“This will be a great day for the Royal Navy” he thought, the incident will go down in the annals of naval history. The parade GIs’ spot has been desecrated and tomorrow is the great day when all the ‘Top Brass’ and families turn out to see their sons’ parade on the final day of their training.
 Creeping back across the parade ground, he stopped and turned once more to admire his ‘handy-work’, there on the spot the Parade GI would stand tomorrow, was an effigy of the Parade GI himself, made from human excrement!
 “Great! That’ll get their blood up,” he thought as he crept off into the darkness.
“Morning GI” said Able Seaman ‘Lofty’ Towers while trying to hold back the laughter that was welling in him.
 “Morning Towers”, said the Parade GI, ”what are you grinning at”; “nothing GI” said lofty, making a greater effort to keep a straight face.
 “There’s something going on here, I can smell it” said the GI. 
 The remark was just too much for lofty, “ Ah ha ha ah ha-ooh hoo hoo” came the hysterics, as he broke down in uncontrollable laughter.
 “What the hell’s going on Towers” screamed the GI. Lofty continued laughing whilst making every effort to compose himself, after a short while he managed to straighten up, planning to deny any part in the prank.
 “Well GI, Oh God!” he cried as he once again broke into hilarious laughter.
 “If you don’t pull yourself together Lad and explain what’s so funny, you’ll find yourself laughing at the top of that ‘Festering’ Mast! Now whats going on!”
 “ I can’t GI, I can’t” cried lofty between giggles and laughs, while pointing out across the Parade Ground.
 Festering Fred’s gaze slowly aligned itself, along the line of Lofty’s pointing finger; he squinted to try to make out the small object in the distance, then smartly marched off to examine it.
As Festering Fred drew nearer it was becoming more apparent what the object might be, until it finally dawned on him what it was!  
 The Smart march become a stumbling gait, as the Parade GI, rushed forward to confirm what he thought he’d seen.
 Yes, there it was, standing rigidly upright, an enormous ‘turd’ (with a cap), smack in the middle of his marker spot, the appointed place he was to stand whilst screaming orders at the young Sailors on Parade.
 His face began to redden, his eyes began to bulge, his temples began to pulsate, he looked desperately about him, knowing he was being observed, he could hear hilarious laughter in the distance, but couldn’t define the direction.
 His entire body began to shake with rage! He desperately tried to gather his thoughts  - a scream erupted from him “Towers! Get over here at the double!”
 Lofty trotted off toward the GI, still trying to gain control of his chuckling. “Yes GI”, he blurted, still suppressing the laughter.
 “What the hell is this!” screamed the GI while pointing at the turd. 
“I think its SHIT”, cried lofty, as he broke into uncontrollable laughter again.
 Still raging, the GI screamed “ Think its funny, eh - well you can just laugh your way back to the drill shed!”  He gasped for air “Get a Bucket, Scrubber, Cloth and Disinfectant, get this lot cleaned up now!” his voice getting lost while is chest heaved for air “I’ll deal with you later”.
 Lofty cried, “I didn’t do it!”
 “Never mind who festering did it! Just get it cleaned up before the Band gets here; he could hear them already, the Royal Marine Band had begun its practice and was Marching on its way to the Parade Ground.
 “Quick! Get it cleaned up man” he screamed at Lofty, who had not yet moved.
 Grabbing Lofty by the arm, Festering Fred the dreaded Parade GI, rushed toward the drill shed, pulling Lofty with him.
  “ Get a bucket man!” Screamed Festering Fred. “Where’s the locker keys” said Lofty, who had regained control of himself, though he had begun to delay his actions, as he wanted the entire Royal Marine Band to see the effigy on the Parade ground.
  “ Oh no!” cried the GI, while wildly slapping at his pockets “Tower’s!” he screamed “Get over to the ‘Chiefs Mess’ at the double! Get my locker keys”, “Aye Aye GI” cried lofty, whilst tuning on his heal to ‘double’ away at a full trot.
 On his way to the Chiefs mess he ‘doubled’ passed the Royal Marine Band, shouting several times “Look at the GI’s spot!” he got a wink from one of the Bandsmen, which obviously meant they already knew what was about to greet them!
  The Royal Marine Band swept onto the Parade Ground. They were Playing ‘Heart of Oak’ while marching proudly along with great precision.
 As the Drum Major ‘Tossed his huge Baton into the air, his eye caught the huge ‘turd’ standing in place of the GI, who would normally be there now as the Band passed for practice.
 The Baton crashed to the ground, as the Drum Major ‘gawked’ at the Turd, he quickly recovered the Baton, but it was too late, the entire Band had now seen the Turd, the Music became a disaster as the Bandsmen began crashing into one another.
 A laugh erupted from one, then another, until all including the Drum Major, were in fits of laughter, pointing at the effigy of the Parade GI.
 Young Sailors where now filing onto the Parade Ground, craning to get a view of it while making their way to ‘divisions’, breaking into laughter as they went by, until the entire parade ground was full of hilarity!
  It was ‘Polly’ who saved the day, he ran to the drill shed, eyeing the figure of the Parade GI crumpled in the corner blocking the laughter from his ears, Polly rushed past and grabbed a large white Mug from the tea trolley.
 “Quick, GI before the Officers arrive, I’ll cover it up, they’ll never know”
The GI was spurred back into action at the mere mention of the word ‘Officers’
 Polly Perkins doubled over to the GI’s Spot, closely followed by the GI, “good thinking Perkins” said Festering Fred, as he watched Polly jamb the mug down over the excrement. “I’ll see you get rewarded for this Lad”. 
Polly doubled off leaving the GI stood at his Spot, his feet encompassing the mug. He began to calm down though he could still hear some tittering some way behind him.
 But he was not going to move now, the Mug was in place, he was in his place. The Band had returned to the Burma Road, to prepare for the Parade.
Soon the Respective divisional PO’s would ‘Report’ to him and he would order them to stop the tittering in the ‘Ranks’.
 Nothing must stand in the way of the success of Parade. There were hundreds of young Sailors, Immaculately ‘turned out’ in their freshly pressed uniforms, thier gleaming boots and scrubbed white caps.
 “Whats the Mug for GI” said the Gunnery Officer, who’d come to start the inspection of the young Sailors. “er” pausing to think, then blurting “Wet Paint Sir”, “Good thinking GI” said the Gunnery Officer “make sure nobody kicks it, we don’t want paint everywhere”.
“Aye Aye Sir” said Festering Fred then breathed a sigh of relief as the Gunnery Officer marched off.
 Among them was the training class 623, who were to do their final ‘March Past’ as they had completed training.
 Among class 623 stood Polly Perkins with a smug look on his face, after all he’d ‘pulled off’ a stroke of amazing genius, he’d got his revenge on Festering Fred and was to be rewarded for doing it.
 He’d carried out his plan in complete secrecy, he’d told no one of his intentions; he merely committed the act of desecrating the GI’s spot and then started a ‘Buzz’.
 He’d simply said to a Sailor he knew to gossip, “have you heard? Somebody’s Shit on the GI’s Spot”. In no time ‘The Ships grapevine’ was awash with the News. But nobody knew who did it.
 The GI thought he was a Hero for saving the day! “What a genius” Polly thought, then he grinned, remembering the Mug he’d used to cover the effigy, was inscribed ‘Chief GI’!

To be continued......................

***************

Prince

It was mid 1967, I was an Able Seaman aboard HMS Relentless; we had completed a Patrol off of Biera, W. Africa, and had returned to Mombasa, for light repairs, leave, etc., we Anchored the ship in mid-stream of the river, about half-mile from shore.

I was given watch-keeping duties ashore, in a small hut, in order to relay telephone calls to the ship via Radio. 

The Hut was on the shoreline beside a small Jungle type area. I had a bed, some light food, and tea and coffee most of which the locals tried to steal by reaching in via the storm shutters, and running off with anything they could reach.

There were a few Bumboats near by, some of which were no more than ‘dugout Canoe’s. They would take drunken sailors (who had missed the ships boats) back out to the ship for the princely sum of sixpence, there would always be plenty of ‘drunk’ Matelots with no money left, after ‘Whooping it up’ ashore.

It was guaranteed that I would get a lot of 'grief' on their way back. Mainly because they assumed they could get a loan from me in order to get a Bumboat back to the ship. So they’d spend their last ‘Tanner’ on another beer.

And of course none of em remembered the loan the next day!

So, I set up a Bumboat fund, so that anyone going ashore for a ‘Hoolee’ would give me a ‘Tanner’ first. It seemed to work, for a while but there was always some ‘awkward so and so’ who’d give me grief.

Believe it or not I was sent a ‘Gift from God’ to solve all my problems, but this gift arrived in the most Terrifying way imaginable!

I was lying in my ‘pit’ in the hut, with the Mosquito net over me; it was about three in the morning. I was awoken by a rustling sound outside the hut, the sound unnerved me a bit as this was 'Africa' and the shuffling outside didn’t sound human. I could see very little in the dark, but I knew the storm shutter was slightly ajar. Feeling very apprehensive, I wondered if I should try to get to the Shutter and lock it. For whatever it was outside, had got the ‘scent’ of my food (or me).

I knew that if I tried to get to the shutter I would be impeded by the Mosquito net.

Then it happened!

The Storm Shutter flew up then and back down. A large Animal had jumped in through the aperture of the shutter. 

All I could see was a large dark outline and a pair of ‘eyes’, staring at me in the dark, my mind raced, my heart was beating like a drum, what the hell was it? And what the hell could I do about it?

 My imagination was running wild. This was an African Beast, and I was the food!

 But it just stayed in the middle of the room staring at me! Then another thought came to me, this could be a ‘wind -up’ (us Matelots were always, pulling fast ones on each other).

So I thought I’d get to the light switch which was just two paces from my bed, I started to move, there was a Growl and I jumped back into to bed, with buckets of sweat pouring out of me, what the hell is it? I thought, as it remained there ‘staring’ at me.

The time had come to be brave, I had no weapon, but ‘light’ I had a torch by the bed, if I pointed it directly at the eyes and switched on, it would give me a vital second to reach the light switch. After that goodness knows what would happen.

But I had no alternative, so on went the Torch and I leapt for the light switch, bringing the Mosquito net down around me, but I had made it to the switch and the Animal hadn’t ‘pounced’, On went the switch while my heart was ‘banging away’ like a drum.

The Animal had dropped to the ‘prone’ position and was covering its eyes with its paws; it was a great big Alsation Dog! And its tail had started to ‘Wag’, thank god, I thought, it might have been a Lion or Panther!

I regained my composure, and went over to him, he assumed the sub-servient role, (god knows what the official name for it is) but it was quite plain he was going to allow me to be the master, though I’m sure he knew I had already almost wet myself.

I patted him on the head and then believe it or not, with sheer relief I began to ‘Cuddle’ him, he loved it, I’d made a great friend here.

I got him some of our ‘Pusser’s’ arrowroot biscuits and some water out of the kettle, he lapped it up, the poor thing was starving (or just had a big appetite).

I checked him over he was clean and healthy, but had no tag, I chatted away to him for quite a while. All of which he seemed to understand, as he looked at me intelligently, with his tongue lolling out of one side of his huge mouth.

Then I settled down for the rest of the night, knowing I had, a large ‘scary’ friend watching over me.

Early in the morning the usual thing started to happen - the ‘Black Hand’ would appear, groping around just under the storm shutter, a thief was after my tea again.

Then without a word from me, my ‘large scary friend’, launched himself straight at the shutter, his bodyweight, causing it to fly open. There was a loud ‘scream’ from outside, so I too leapt at the shutter in time to see my new ‘friend’ release his ‘Prey’ who ran off with a bitten forearm.

My new ‘Pal’ had earned his keep!

‘Nobby’ my relief turned up at eight, I told him how my dog had arrived and what he'd done. Nobby eyed me with disbelief, but accepted the story. I told him that I’d make enquiries about who the owner might be, but leave him free to roam off if he wanted to.

Twenty four hours later I returned to relieve ‘Nobby’ who said, "Your Dogs still here" before he’d got all the words out, I was ‘pounced upon’, brought crashing to the floor and getting severely ‘licked’ over the face. My New friend was ecstatic that I’d returned.

I rolled around ‘wrestling, him for a while, then managed to get up and regain my composure, so that Nobby could hand the ‘Watch’ over to me.

Nobby said "the dog's been quiet all the time, as though waiting for you to return", but gently accepting food and water from ‘Nobby’ while waiting it out. It was uncanny to have made such a friend in so short a while.

When things had quietened down that evening, I decided to try a few names out on him. I tried saying the usual, Rex, Rover, and Rin-tin-tin, but he just gave me stupid looks, then I said "Prince" and his ears pricked up and he became Alert.

He must be ‘Prince’, I thought, after all he carried himself like ‘Royalty’, that was convincing enough to me, he was now "Prince".

He stayed with me all through the next Twenty-four hours, no thieves turned up, and no ‘drunk’ Matelots, gave me any trouble with ‘Prince’ around.

Over the next few weeks, ‘Prince’ would disappear for a day or so but always came back, to spend the odd ‘Watch’ with me. We became solid friends, but after a few weeks it was time to go HMS Relentless was sailing on the next tide.

‘Prince’ knew it- he sensed it. A twenty seven-foot whaler was sent ashore for me, to bring my Kit and me back to the ship, ‘Prince’ tried to get into the Boat with me, he played ‘Havoc’ but eventually we managed to get the boat away without Prince aboard.

He came after us for a while, but then returned to shore. 

 I’d had a restless and busy Watch the previous night, so when I returned to the ship I ‘Turned in’.

I woke about eleven AM, by that time we were miles out to Sea, one of the ‘Lads’ told me there had been a ‘dog’, swimming around the ship prior to us weighing Anchor. It was never verified. I hope it was just a cruel joke as those waters were ‘Shark infested’.

I never found the owner; I never saw or heard of ‘Prince’ again. But he remains in my memory for as long as I live.

Should you doubt it , I promise this story is absolutely true.

***************

Winston

When I was a young lad, I had a Bulldog called ’Winston’. He was given to my father by a well wisher. Winston had won Trophies at various dog shows and had an impeccable Pedigree.

However there was one problem that the previous owner neglected to tell my father, that Winston was highly motivated by Sex.

Anything that could suffice in place of a bitch, would do, including all the members of our family.

It started when my brother and I, where playing a ball game at home. I had missed the ball and was reaching under a chair for it, when Winston got excited and pounced on me from behind; he was aroused and proceeded to try to ‘shag’ me.

Mick tried to drag him off me, but he couldn’t get him away, fortunately, I was fully clothed at the time and Winston was unable to do what he intended.

Mick finally managed to drag him off and I got clear from the chair where I’d been ‘cornered’.

On many other occasions he tried to shag our leg, and it proved to be a formidable task to get him off; he’d even tried to get into my mother’s bed one Sunday morning whilst she was reading the Newspaper.

That was it! Winston had to go, I think we were all relieved when the decision was made.

During the time that we owned Winston, my father would take him for regular early morning walks and more often than not, the local Vicar would stop to admire Winston, always complementing my father on owning such a fine looking animal.

One morning when stopped by the Vicar, Father asked him if he would like to own such a dog. “Oh yes”! Replied the Vicar “they are such beautiful animals”. “He’s yours said my father and thrust the lead into the Vicars hand. Also ‘forgetting’ to tell the Vicar of Winston’s filthy habit.

The Vicar was so happy at the time and rushed off home to tell his wife of their new prize-winning pet.

The following week Winston was seen chained to a post in the gardens of the Vicarage, rumour had it that Winston had scared the vicars wifes Cat off.

In what way did he scare the cat, I continually asked myself.